Heart cathe-what? and a quick update...

I went down to Columbia today to see Dr. Jai, my nephrologist, and got some good news. My creatine level is down to 1.2 (normal is less than 1) and I don't have to come back for a month! I'll have blood taken locally but it'll be nice not going down there every week. Unfortunately my hemoglobin is still low. It's actually lower now than it was pre-transplant. Normal is 12, pre-transplant i was at 9.8 and right now I'm at 9.0. So before I left, they gave me a shot to help with that (which hurt like HELL). That'll kick in right before school starts so that makes me happy.

On a side note, I realized that I often to refer to my biopsies and annuals without really taking into consideration that a lot of people just don't know what the heck they are. So I thought I would take a moment to explain exactly why I go off to the hospital every 4-6 months for a procedure.

The purpose of a heart catheterization is to see if my body is rejecting my donated heart by accessing the coronary circulation and blood filled chambers of the heart. A similar biopsy is performed for other types of transplants as well (kidney, liver, etc). A regular biopsy for me is when they go through the neck to check pressures they can't check from the outside (namely heart and lung pressure), ejection fraction (how much is pumped out of the ventricles with each heartbeat) and test for tissue rejection. The annual is when they do the biopsy and in addition to that, perform an angiogram which is when they inject an x-ray visible dye to visualize blood vessels and organs of the body, with particular interest in the arteries, veins and the heart chambers. This helps detect any blockages in the veins and arteries.

The procedures is thus: the first thing they do is prep the site (either the neck or groin) with lydocaine, a local anesthetic to numb the area.  Then a puncture is made via needle into the carotid artery and a guidewire inserted into the artery. A plastic sheath is threaded over the wire and pushed into the artery. The wire is then removed and then the side-port of the sheath is aspirated to ensure arterial blood flows back. Once in position above the aortic valve the guidewire is then removed. The catheter is then engaged with the origin of the coronary artery (either left main stem or right coronary artery) and x-ray opaque iodine-based contrast is injected to make the coronary vessels show up on the x-ray fluoroscopy (i.e real time) image. The procedure is recorded via the fluoroscopy for later reference.

I was really surprised when I went for my first adult one. In pediatrics, they give you a mild sedative to help you relax before the procedure but on the adult side they don't give you anything. It's almost better, because you're not as groggy afterwards and you don't have to hang out in the recovery room. However, being aware of all the weird sensations wasn't the greatest feeling in the world. They did a great job though, and all of my pressures and heart function are in great shape! The doctor actually said if he hadn't seen me before he would not have known it was a transplanted heart. How much better can it get?

Review: The Fountain

This film is beautiful. There's just no other way to say it. It simply astounds me. "The Fountain" follows the two protagonists played by Rachel Weisz (who I adore) and Hugh Jackman over three storylines: a modern scientist and his wife who is battling cancer, a conquistador and his queen, and a space traveler who hallucinates his long lost love. These three stories all reflect on a theme of love and mortality. One of the reasons I love it so much is because of the incredible score by Clint Mansell. Simply gorgeous.

The first of the storylines follows Tommy, a medical researcher circa 2005 who will not rest trying to find a cure for his wife Izzi, who has a deadly brain tumor. As Tommy struggles to find a cure, Izzi ends up becoming very interested in Mayan culture and tries to explain to him how they view death. Their underworld, Xibalba, is a place where life springs from death. She is also writing a book set during the age of Spanish conquistadors entitled "The Fountain", which she gives to Tommy to read since she knows that she will not be able to finish it herself.

The second brings us to 16th century Spain. The Grand Inquisitor has demonized the queen Isabella and intends to take the country from her. She calls conquistador Tomas to her and orders him to search for the tree of life. A Mayan dagger stolen by a Franciscan monk reveals the hidden location of the tree; in the Mayan region of Central America.

Lastly (and the most mind boggling of the three) is the journey of Tom circa 2500 who travels to a nebula in a space bubble containing a dying tree of life. He is haunted by images of his wife Izzi and repeatedly assures the tree that they will reach the nebula in time, and that everything will be alright. I won't say anymore regarding the plot because it really should be seen and interpreted on a personal level.

At it's core, "The Fountain" is a love story and really touches upon the human fear of death. We are so frightened of it when it is essential to being human - our mortality is what makes us special. The movie actually begins with a paraphrase from Genesis 3:24 - "So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life." This what separates us from our maker. The director has said that he interprets Genesis as the definition for mortality, and I think it's a good idea. We live in a world of duality, we experience joy and sorrow, suffering and elation, etc. We don't want to experience the negative things in life but we have to, and it's our choice how we choose to deal with them.

What really touches me (i.e makes me cry) is how much Tommy struggles with the idea of his wife dying, he loves her so much that he can't bear the idea of not being with her and refuses to accept the inevitable. But what he fails to see is that all the time he spends in the lab is time not spent with Izzi. She has come to terms with her death and just wants to be with him. He is missing out on what is left of Izzi's time on Earth, and it kills me. Anyone can understand the desire to save someone they love, but we have to remember to be with them and love them while they are still here. Unfortunately I'm sure this kind of situation happens a lot with families dealing with someone dying young from a chronic or fatal illness.

I think the Mayan's view of death is inspiring. Here is how Izzi describes it to Tommy in the film:

"Izzi: Remember Moses Morales?

Tom Creo: Who?

Izzi: The Mayan guide I told you about.

Tom Creo: From your trip.

Izzi: Yeah. The last night I was with him, he told me about his father, who had died. Well Moses wouldn't believe it.

Tom Creo: Izzi...

Izzi: No, no. Listen, listen. He said that if they dug his father's body up, it would be gone. They planted a seed over his grave. The seed became a tree. Moses said his father became a part of that tree. He grew into the wood, into the bloom. And when a sparrow ate the tree's fruit, his father flew with the birds. He said... death was his father's road to awe. That's what he called it. The road to awe."

Maybe it is once we accept it, that we can ultimately transcend the physical and be reborn.

Review: Byzantium

I wanted to write a bit about a book I just finished: "Byzantium" by Stephen R. Lawhead. Most will be familiar with his Pendragon Cycle series which is a combination of Atlantean legend, Celtic myth, and Christian message reminiscent of C.S. Lewis. I cannot recommend this book enough, it really spoke to me on a personal level (which I did NOT expect from a historical fiction novel). I really appreciated how Lawhead looks at non-Christian religions in a non-judgemental and sympathetic way, especially since Lawhead considers himself ot be a Christian writer. It's very rare that religions (such as the Muslim faith) are looked at in a non-critical way. I should write more about that later.

"Byzantium" follows Aidan, a 10th century Irish monk who is chosen with a few others to bring a costly gift to the Byzantine emperor (what we now know as the Book of Kells). Aidan has spent the majority of his life in a monastery so the chance to go out and see the world is incrediby exciting to him. However, the journey quickly proves to be a disaster. The pilgrims' ship is attacked by Sea Wolves (Viking raiders) before they can reach Brittany, and Aidan's companions are slain. This is only the beginning of Aidan's trials. He endures slavery with the Vikings, political intrigue in the Byzantine court, enslavement in a caliph's desert mine. In the beginning, Aidan is a perfect monk and Christian. He endures hunger, severe beatings, and captivity with incredible patience and has faith that though he may not understand the path God has laid out for him, he trusts that God has a reason for it.

This does not last forever. Aidan's faith is shaken (I will not say how or why if you intend to read the book which you SHOULD!). He still believes in God's existence but that He has abandoned him to his misery. Amazingly, as his faith in God lessens, his Viking friends that he had been attempting to convert before are now more interested in Aidan's God and religion. Aidan continues his journey faithless and no longer considers himself a monk. Hate and revenge now hold his heart instead of love. To be honest after what this man endures, it can't be a surprise to anyone. I will not say much more about the plot because it is so excellent.

The end of the novel floored me. To be honest, I just about cried. That in itself is a testament to Lawhead's writing ability. This book was very much a gripping adventure but Aidan's spiritual journey is what really drew me in. I was raised as a Christian, specifically as a Protestant, and I always liked the idea of God, Heaven, and so on. However as I've grown up my faith has faltered to the point where I do not really believe anymore. And it fills me with sorrow. I find myself jealous of all of those people who have faith that things are in God's hands, everything will be alright and that I will find everyone I loved and passed will be waiting in Heaven for me one day.

But I don't buy it. I wish I did.

People always say to me that God has a plan for me because I received my heart transplant. I find that extremely arrogant to think that God has some sort of purpose for me instead of that poor child who died. How could I possibly be okay with that? One of the biggest arguments against the existence of God is the presence of evil. If we follow traditional Christian doctrine we can assume that: God is omniscient (all-knowing), omnipotent (all-powerful) and benevolent. What this would lead us to believe is that if God exists he knows how to, is able to and wants to prevent suffering. So if there is a God, he would prevent suffering. I think it's pretty impossible to dispute the fact that there is suffering in the world. Something brought up when it comes to God and religion in general is the question; is it just wishful thinking? This is where I fall into. I want so badly to know that I will see my Nanny, Pop, Yuki, Ingy, Stephanie and many others again one day. But I feel like I'm just using it as an emotional crutch, I don't want to deal with a world where there is just NOTHING afterwards. I am okay with the idea of having consequences for the decisions I make in my life. If there is a God, I can't imagine He would be so judgmental as many make Him out to be. This, in essence, describes my crisis of faith.

That is why Aidan's journey strikes me to the core, and to be honest the ending of the novel brought me some peace. What is also awesome about this novel is that it's based on a true story. The protagonist Aidan is actually SAINT Aidan! This guy really existed! This is why I love books so much. They can take you somewhere new, show you things you have never seen before, and ultimately can have the power to change a person.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

I have a multitude of scars. My old one runs straight down my chest, from right below my collarbone to the area of my ribs where they begin to split. I received this scar at the age of three. That is when I received my heart transplant. I had been diagnosed at a very young age with idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy. The only way I would survive is with that transplant. Twenty two years later, it's still going strong.


I have two scars that run across my left eyebrow. I don't bother filling them in with eye pencil since they're just part of who I am. Why would I hide it? There is also a small cluster of scars that I received from multiple heart biopsies over the years on the right side of my neck next to the carotid artery.


Lastly, my most recent scar is from my kidney transplant. It's very small, only two and a half inches long. I just received it less than a month ago. I was very lucky that my brother was willing to donate. I'm thankful for that everyday.

My Favorite Quote of All Time

The quote that resonates most with me is from one of my favorite novels: Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I read it in middle school and Charlie's journey has stuck with me ever since. The novel is a collection of progress reports written by Charlie, a retarded young man, who undergoes an experimental brain operation. He is the first human subject to be tested. It is a success, but as his IQ rises Charlie realizes his "friends" at the bakery were actually laughing at him and as his IQ reaches genius level he is just as alone intellectually as he was originally. The passage I love is found on page 259 I believe:

“You’ve become cynical,” said Nemur. “That’s all this opportunity has meant to you. Your genius has destroyed your faith in the world and in your fellow men.”

“That’s not completely true,” I said softly. “But I’ve learned that intelligence alone doesn’t mean a damned thing. Here in your university, intelligence, education, knowledge, have all become great idols. But I know now there’s one thing you’ve all overlooked: intelligence and education that hasn’t been tempered by human affection isn’t worth a damn.” ….

“Don’t misunderstand me,” I said. “Intelligence is one of the greatest human gifts. But all too often a search for knowledge drives out the search for love. This is something else I’ve discovered for myself very recently. I present it to you as a hypothesis: Intelligence without the ability to give and receive affection leads to mental and moral breakdown, to neurosis, and possibly even psychosis. And I say that the mind absorbed in and involved in itself as a self-absorbed end, to the exclusion of human relationships, can only lead to violence and pain.”

This passage really reflects my belief that the value of human relationships far outweigh that of intelligence. There seems to be a lack of compassion in the world, and it would be far better of if we focused on being more kind to our fellows. It seems to be part of human nature that we desire to feel superior to others. It's interesting because as Charlie becomes more intelligent and sees more of the world, the more he withdraws from his peers. In general, I think people would be more content if success didn't have such a narrow definition. The people and relationships in our lives are what is truly important.

My Dream Vacation

Lamas at Machu Pichu

There are so many places in the world that I want to see and experience that it's really hard to narrow it down. So maybe the dream would be a tour of the world! I'd definitely hit these places:

-- Machu Picchu, Peru

-- Ciudad Perdida, Columbia

-- Petra, Jordan (you may recognize it from Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade)

-- Istanbul, Turkey to see the Hagia Sophia (since I didn't get to see it the last time I went).

-- Amesbury, U.K to see Stonehenge.

-- Africa to witness the Great Wildebeest Migration & Victoria Falls.

-- Alaska or Canda to see the Northern Lights

-- Yoshino Mountain, Japan to see the Cherry Blossoms.

-- Tufi, Papa New Guinea

-- Sweden to see my family

-- Eleuthera Point, Bahamas

-- The Slot Canyons, Arizona

--Plitvice Lakes, Croatia

-- California to see the Muir Woods National Monument

The world is such an amazing place that it's really hard to narrow it down. This isn't even a complete list! I'll have to add to it as time goes on.

4th of July

It sure has been a crazy last few days. I have to say again (and again and again) how absolutely blessed I feel to have the family and friends that I do. Every single person that has visited me, called, texted, left a message on Facebook, I've noticed every single one and it makes me feel so wonderful to know how many people out there are rooting for Jordan and myself. What he did for me, words cannot express. I am still blown away, even though I really shouldn't be, because I know that if the situation was reversed I would undoubtedly have done the same and with no doubts.

This really felt like my first transplant because I don't remember a thing about the first one. I think that is really a blessing judging on how much this one hurts. I can't imagine having the same pain in my chest. Things went incredibly smoothly for the surgery. While I was in and out from the anesthesia in recovery and afterwards, I remember every single face that was there. General anesthesia is quite ridiculous. One of the first things that I remember post-op was how much thrashing my body was doing in recovery. It was just a reaction to the anesthesia but holy crap was it violent! Apparently my site is very small, 2 and 1/2 inches long just like Jordan's. I'm psyched to not have another huge zipper (as much as I love what my first represents). Can't say it feels small though. Any kind of movement involving abs (which is to say, virtually everything) is quite the battle. The nurses have been doing a great job of managing the pain though.

I will probably write more in the future but for now, I'm getting drowsy and I have to stay awake to make sure I see the fireworks over the Hudson right outside my window!

Love you all.